Sunday, July 3, 2016


How long before you forget someone you loved, 
It’s been six months already, I can’t even sleep straight I wake up every few hours of the night crying or thinking about him. I wake up in my own tears because I’ve dreamt of him. He left me without letting me know why... I tried asking him but his answers are always so unclear. He decided one day I was just not good enough for him to love me.... the day after asking me to come live in his apartment, 2 days before Christmas. If only the reason was that he didn’t want to buy me any present I would be already over it ... but he had just given it to me the day before. He bought me a beautiful pair of earrings, I loved them so much but he had to dump me right after, before I even had the chance to wear them. Of course I didn’t keep them I couldn’t, it was so hard to see such a beautiful thing coming from such an awful person. He told me we had nothing in common which I never understood because as soon as I ask him to give me any example he doesn’t know what to say and end up with saying he doesn’t need to explain himself to me. He also said he didn’t want someone like me as the mother of his child. But he knew before getting with me that I didn’t want any child. He knew I was sick, he knew I was depressed, he knew I had a borderline personality, he already knew me. I decided to change, at least the little things i could. If my sleep schedule and my eating habits were his only reason for not loving me I could easily change them.I have the same work schedule now, I’m vegan and I eat better than I ever did, I take care of everyone around me and I’m still not good enough ? 

Just heard, about 3 days ago that he has a new girlfriend, a girl 5 years younger than me, so much for a guy who wanted to be alone until he finds the girl he wants as the mother of his child. She lives 3 hours away from him, she has flirted with his friends before dating him and she’s asks him and other guy to boost her in a video game so she can be more popular on her stream which is beyond me, since when faking being good at a video game became sexy. Of course you can brag to people about your Rank but as soon as you will actually play you’re gonna get sh*t on! I already have hatred for Boosted girls in video games, but now it’s worse than anything. I can’t even deal with all this bullshit right now, just thinking about it makes me anxious. Blood is rushing through my vein so fast, pressure is consuming me and I don’t know any way to release it, I wish I could just cut it to relieve the pain, just a cut wouldn’t hurt anyone would it? I’m already depressed enough but thinking about it makes me sick, just thinking about them being in the same room, giggling, laughing, cuddling, and telling each other I love you it makes me ill. I want to forget so bad I would rather hit my head on my concrete wall all night then spend another day knowing they are together.

I wish I was better, I wish I was good enough. How many times my friends have told me, you can’t force him to love you, he is not the one for you, you will find better... But what if I don’t want to find better i want him. I wish I was stronger, I wish I could just move on, and not think about it, when my friends tells me he is my ex and that I should get over it, I wish I could tell them that they are right, that i would grow up and stop letting a guy control my feelings.. but I can’t... 

There’s always the butterflies in my stomach every time I think about them it’s making me dizzy, making me sick I don’t even know how it’s possible to love someone that much without him loving you back. I don’t even want to fall in love again if it’s for me to end up this way again. He told me he stopped having feelings for me about a month before the breakup.. but he continue telling me he loved me, How am I suppose to trust anyone who tells me I Love You, when the only one that matters to me lied for weeks about his feelings. Now I’m so lost I have this anger inside, I want to kill that girl who dates him, she is not worthy of him, I want to kill him... even if deep down I’m the only one I want to see dead just because I’m not good enough for him and I won’t ever be. I’ve tried talking to people about it, I take my anti-depressant, I don’t drink, I tried sleeping and working, getting my mind on anything else, but I can’t. Just thinking about how he told me we had nothing in common makes me wonder... did I really know him that much because in my memory we had everything in common. We never fought, we never argued we were can I get over something like this. It seems so easy when people tell me that only time can heal me, and I should stop stalking them. But it’s so f**king hard to actually do. I know I need help, I know I need professional help, but what can they really do for me... help me get over it, maybe. But they are not going to make me more lovable, they are not going to make me prettier, smarted, nicer, or even better at any video games I love. They are not going to make him love me, nobody will.

How can I stop having so much rage inside, how can I stop having so much anxiety. I say the meanest things to them just because I can’t control my anger and I can’t if I don’t tell them my feeling my head will explode and all this violence will turn against me. Deep down I wish he could watch her die and watch her life leave her body as she leave to go rot in hell. I want him to feel half the pain I feel just to understand why I’m so depressed lately. I want to relieve the pain, my breath is shorter. I don’t even see straight, I walk like a zombie, seriously people might mistake me from an actor from the Walking Dead but what they don’t know is that I’m already dead inside.

Sometimes it feels like I’m in some sort of bubble or there is some sort of invisible screen keeping me away from reality. I see these happy couple holding hands, the children smiling not knowing how hard life actually gets; I also watch all the suffering in the world that I use to care so much for. I use to give so much to charity and I always have been such a militant for what i think is right. I wish i could help like I used to... but inside it’s just a big whole mess in my head and for now I can’t even think about a way to help others since I can’t even help myself.  How long does it take for a heart to heal, is it so normal that I feel like my heart is literally broken. Like there is this constant pain in my heart like someone is just squeezing in, compressing it, and smashing it on the ground. I’m pretty sure my ex just hides my heart somewhere in a jar that is somehow connected to my brain and whenever I think of him he just squeeze it as hard as he can to make me feel like dying. I’m dizzy, I’m torn apart, I’m sick, I’m tired, and I know he will never know how broken I am, because he doesn’t freaking gives a f*ck how broken I am. He loves someone else, someone probably better than me, and even though I have absolutely no reason to be, I’m just so jealous of her for being what he likes...I don’t think she’s attractive I still think all the mean things I’ve told about her, but I still wish I was her just so he could love me. I just wish he could love me again, if he ever did. 

it's not the usual post I know, nothing fashionable about breakup but I needed to get this out of my head, and writing is my medecine and If someone out there who reads that knows the key to forget 1 year of lie pls tell me. Thank to all my readers for dealing with mea tthe moment. 

No comments:

Post a Comment